Drive

I’m not going to negate someone else’s happiness, for the sake of my own. I am however going to live my life my way, because My happiness matters the most. The only way I will get through this life  and be happy while doing it, is if I put myself and my own first.

This may make no sense so let me clarify some.  This may get broken up into two posts, depending on length. First though this may be necessary :

Dawn’s Blog warning… All opinions and facts stated in such blog are that of the owners (in this case ME ). She is in fact not heartless, as some previously believed. Also she does give a shit about others, and last but not least she is totally 100 percent content and happy with her love life and many other aspects, so  keep this in mind while reading and any commentary you may have afterwords. Thank you!

Back story is required so I guess we will start with that. Now for those of you who don’t know me personally some of this won’t quite fit together, but it’s okay i will try to make sense of it all for you guys too. Also forgive me if I switch between first and third person, it’s my blog, I do what I want !

* High school sweethearts, together for around two years. They go through some terrible times together, and manage through. You know the kind of things that bring you closer together, but also the kind that rip you apart. For two young people it got to be two much, victims of circumstance, as we both said. Although it was me that ran and him that held on, neither of us, knew what we once had, what we could have, we knew nothing really. It was scary, and we both tried to deal with it in our own ways.

Many years come and go, every now and again it’s heard that he still  loved me, but I couldn’t go down that path. Avoided even thinking about it, until it was staring me in the face. Now not so long before paths crossed the second time, I had come to terms, with the pain I had caused. I knew that there was a good chance I may never see him again, and honestly this was okay with me. I reached out a few times, but in my heart I forgave myself the best I could. Sometimes thats all a person can do. I may never understand some of the actions I took, why I took them, or what all they meant. But it’s not important enough to dwell over and ruin my whole life about. Trust me when I say though the hurt and pain was always still there.

Coming out of a long relationship and short marriage, is when his and my paths crossed again. I was struggling once again to find who I really was, and what I actually wanted, without the grips of a relationship, to define those. I struggled with what was happening between us, nothing really defined. I knew the feelings were real they always have been, but once again our timing was wrong. It was then I realized our timing will never be right. I once again ran away, although I believe he blames it on me talking to other guys. Be assured that talking is all I was doing. I struggled for weeks of letting him go knowing that this time would truely be the last. I cried for days after that, knowing the hardest thing was the right thing. But that pain is still just As deep. After the tears had dried, I tried reaching out to apologize once again. Still to this day he will not man up and talk to me. But I did thoughts and forgiveness once again mostly on my own. I finally realized I will always love that man, but for a still unknown reason I can’t be with him. This was the hardest and most painful realization I had ever come to but there it was in black and white. The only person I told this to was my best friend. She knew all of this and more.

That brings you up to kind of present day, and this is where it gets interesting. By some stroke of luck if you want to call it that that same ex/guy who will forever have a piece of me/my past and my best friend started talking. So one day she comes to me and says her and him are talking wondering if that’s okay. They had only been talking a short time, so yes that’s fine. I’m over him and I’m in the best relationship of my life, so yes. Mind you to this day he still hasn’t talked to me about us or them.

Then i notice only a few days after the terms boyfriend, amazing, and love are all being thrown out. Hold up, wait seriously okay its then that I realized i should have thought about my decision before I said it.

So here and now I give my well thought out opinion and beliefs.
This situation is more complicated than even it normally it would be. But the first thing that should have happened is that he should have come to me. He should have brought closure to us and ours first. He should have asked my opinion and once he found that out he could proceed. He would have found out everything I just told you plus more. I also stand by the statement that any real man who claims to still care about me, wouldn’t have done this. He would Of stopped it before it started, he wouldn’t have put me and my best friend in this situation, but he didn’t so I digress.

Now I respect her for coming to me, I do. Maybe its my fault I said yes so quickly, maybe not. But that’s over with. I was told that the fate of them lie in my hands. Wow, no fucking pressure there. At that moment I saw a decision between selfish and selfless, and I’m always inclined to the later.
I’m happy and she should be too. At first I tried to insert my opinion into the speed and depth of their relationship, but no longer, that’s their bussiness and their fate.

After a few days I told her my true feelings. Let me remind you that this was only a weekend after I told her okay. I get told she understands but now she’s in a position where she cant lose him. That me and him need to come to an understanding. She says all the right things, but i know in my heart what’s going to happen.

I do not deserve to have all my past mistakes and non thrown in my face. I do not want to be “friends” with him. You can say you will be descrect with it, but its there. Always asking what does she have that i don’t. What did I do wrong. The constant stab of pain, day after day slowing rotting me away.
It’s because of this and more I come to my decision. They say true love can sometimes be wanting that person to be happy even if it means you are not in their life. That is the position I am in. I would never want my best friend to be unhappy, I’m not about to be the reason for that. I would also never want to make her choose between me and him, although she’s already told me basically that she wont. Somehow my seven plus years mean the same as his one or two months. So this I say I can not sit around and deal with whatever it is she and him have. I won’t. I’m happy in my life, and I won’t let anything destroy that. Now don’t get me wrong, I have cried so many nights, over losing my best friend. But once again I will make the hard decision, because if this continues it will only be a constant battle, and im tired of battles.

So until things change that is my decision. The tears fall as I write this, but.its the only way I see. We had a good run my friend and you are a good memory. I’m hoping and wishing for you to be part of my present and future. But you’ve made a choice and deserve to be happy, but so do I. I love you.