Let’s start with the good news first, on January 1st 2014 I became a taken women. I am officially engaged! YAY! No I don’t know when of where the wedding will be, don’t ask. Now that that is over, let’s get to the meat of this blog. This entry is just basically coming from frustration, aggravation, and a variety of other big worded emotions. I needed someone to talk to and so therefore I turn to my blog. It’s nice, because I can just vent. Even though I know all of this public, I don’t care. People either way would find out and have a problem with what I say. So why not claim what I say and be proud no matter what.
It is now known by many that I have mental issues, which include depression and anxiety. I am on medications, and try my best to lead a normal life. Although sometimes that proves to be harder than you would think. This week has been one of those times. I have felt more emotions, and gone through so many conversations with people. Let me remind you though a lot of these conversations end up only being in my head, and with myself. Because anymore I am scared that the issue I am having with someone is just in my head. This whole post might go against everything I think it will do for me. Currently it’s making me think I am even crazier. If you struggle with me for a minute, I will explain. Here is what normally happens: I say I have a problem with this, I am feeling this, or anything along those lines, and I get stupid, ridiculous responses that usually just piss me off.
Here is a list of the most common responses I get!
1. You’re just crazy——-> No shit, that’s why I am on meds, dumb ass. But just because I am crazy, does not mean my point is not valid, or the problem doesn’t exist. Quit using me as an excuse to not fix it.
2. Quit being depressed———-> DO YOU THINK I HAVEN’T TRIED THAT? DO YOU THINK I LIKE BEING DEPRESSED? Seriously please get a clue, and learn about a condition someone in your life has before you open your mouth and something stupid comes out.
3. You’re sad all the time so why is now different———–> Just because I am depressed doesn’t mean I am sad all the time. As well as the opposite, just because I am on meds doesn’t mean I will never be sad. The meds bring me to normal like everyone else. I have good days and bad days.
4. What do you have to be depressed about———> Again my life could be the best ever, I could have everything and I would still be depressed. You want to know why, because IT IS NOT A CHOICE. IF I HAD A CHOICE I WOULD NOT HAVE DEPRESSION, NOR WOULD I HAVE ANXIETY ATTACKS. Please be sensible about this people.
My mind left the topic I was focused on so therefore I am researching, Here is an easier explanation of how I feel, and then I will write my own, and more about my life.
Let me put this for something to think on : Depression is an illness defined by lack of interest in most things, lack of energy, lack of focus. So as with many things you need to be reciprocal in a friendship/relationship. The bottomline is the person with depression can’t help it. They can get help and often times they will get better but there is no timeline and it can take a while to find the right help.
- On Reddit, Someone ( whose account is now deleted), said it pretty well……
Depression is “heavy”. It is physically draining, you have barely enough energy to function. Thus you would prefer to stay in bed. And then you think of the things that ‘needed’ to get done today, asking for more than just a ‘barely functional’ human being. Then your day seems like an enormous obstacle you cannot over come.
Depression is also mental pain. The physical ache is dull but the mental one is always sharp and waiting for you. Long term depression means you will start to accommodate that pain, as a way to adapt to the discrepancy between what you think you can manage and what is being asked of you. This sick way of thinking may become normal, so even when the brain chemistry lets up a little for a bit, you are still convinced of whatever “the script” your sick/depressed brain told you (you’re: worthless, unlovable, alone, stupid, lazy, etc). In this way, depression is the silent killer.
60% of suicides in the U.S. were mentally ill, primarily depressed/anxious (although maybe not for just genetic reasons). You are in so much pain, for so long, your brain ignores even the survival instinct, and all you want is to not be in pain anymore. Those people did not “commit” suicide, like one “commits” crimes. They died of their depression, it was finally too much for them.
You know when the water in the pool is cold but not so cold that you wont get used to it once you are in? If yes you probably have been in this situation where you are standing at the edge of the pool wanting to go in but something is holding you back. All your friends in the pool have fun, you have been trough this a thousand times and you know everything will be okay once you are in but still something inside you makes it hard for you to jump into the pool.
Depression is like that just with every single thing you do.
“Well everyone has bad days…” ….. I get this a lot and here is my response to that!
Try having bad days for a week straight (Generally how long I’m depressed for at a time, give or take a few days.), going to be debating how you are going to kill yourself, thinking about killing yourself for several days straight, wondering how the heck you can still be alive when you wake up feeling dead, not having the energy to get out of bed and move, eventually when you do get up, wonder why, and then wander through life trying to work out how everyone else is so bloody cheerful.
At the same time, I simply cannot work out why I am depressed anymore. I just got engaged. I have a nice paying job, and a house. I should have been happy. Instead, I just sat there, feeling like utter shit. People cannot work that one out. I’ve just given up explaining what depression is, and told them that if they cannot accept the fact that I’m depressed, that I could not give a shit anymore, and I do not need them making things a whole heap worse with comments such as “Well, you’d feel better if you just lighten up.”
But then on the other hand I can certainly at times understand why someone can not get how serious the situation is. If you’ve never had a real depression episode, then you will never truly 100% make sense of it. And that is okay with me. What is not okay with me is assumption, and being a complete asshat about the subject. You don’t even have to agree with me, that is not a requirement. I just can not stand anymore, people making light of my situation. I find no humor, I have a couple serious medical/mental/physical issues. They are just as important as someone who has asthma (just an example). Then you have the medication, that is a touchy subject. I am on medication, but didn’t get on medication until I was an adult and out of the house, because my mom didn’t still doesn’t believe in depression. My medication works for me, but it probably won’t work for someone else. Mental health medications are very sensitive and if you do have depression you have to give them to work. Also they take awhile to kick in, so do not get discouraged. There are those out there who believe in depression and then don’t think the meds work at all. But my educated guess is that they themselves had a bad medication experience, and because the results of medication working are slight, in the way of viewing from outside, they thought they didn’t work.
I won’t make assumptions that you’re a complete asshat, if you don’t assume I’m a lazy, selfish, bitch, when in reality I have MDD (major depressive disorder) and GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) and OCD (obsessive Compulsive Disorder). I’m very open about myself, and my life. I am glad to talk about my experiences with others, but this is last time I am nice to anyone that is ignorant, and doesn’t try to sit down and understand my situation. Next time I won’t hold back, and you probably won’t like what I have to say.
Okay this went way off what I initially started but it felt good anyway.
Angel With the Scabbed Wings 