I Will Follow You into The Dark

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By Not so Popular Demand….. I’m back. I apologize I didn’t realize it had been over six months since I have posted on here. That wasn’t my intent, and I will post more often. You guys all know how life gets in the way sometimes. It has been a crazy year so far.

For those that don’t know…..

Married-4/20/2014 ( Best day of my life)!

Got a Dog (Cowboy)- He’s an American Bulldog, Pit Bull Terrier, and Great Dane!

New Cat addition- Ezra Dax, black and white, just like her cat sister and dog brother.

Lost my wonderful cat fritz, just this week ūüė¶

So I believe that’s what I have in big news, so this more of an update post, but give me a bit, and let me get my thinking cap on.

 

 

If It means A lot

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Let’s start with the good news first, on January 1st 2014 I became a taken women. I am officially engaged! YAY! No I don’t know when of where the wedding will be, don’t ask. Now that that is over, let’s get to the meat of this blog. This entry is just basically coming from frustration, aggravation, and a variety of other big worded emotions. I needed someone to talk to and so therefore I turn to my blog. It’s nice, because I can just vent. Even though I know all of this public, I don’t care. People either way would find out and have a problem with what I say. So why not claim what I say and be proud no matter what.

It is now known by many that I have mental issues, which include depression and anxiety. I am on medications, and try my best to lead a normal life. Although sometimes that proves to be harder than you would think. This week has been one of those times. I have felt more emotions, and gone through so many conversations with people. Let me remind you though a lot of these conversations end up only being in my head, and with myself. Because anymore I am scared that the issue I am having with someone is just in my head. This whole post might go against everything I think it will do for me. Currently it’s making me think I am even crazier. If you struggle with me for a minute, I will explain. Here is what normally happens: I say I have a problem with this, I am feeling this, or anything along those lines, and I get stupid, ridiculous responses that usually just piss me off.

Here is a list of the most common responses I get!

1. You’re just crazy——-> No shit, that’s why I am on meds, dumb ass. But just because I am crazy, does not mean my point is not valid, or the problem doesn’t exist. Quit using me as an excuse to not fix it.

2. Quit being depressed———-> DO YOU THINK I HAVEN’T TRIED THAT? DO YOU THINK I LIKE BEING DEPRESSED? Seriously please get a clue, and learn about a condition someone in your life has before you open your mouth and something stupid comes out.

3. You’re sad all the time so why is now different———–> Just because I am depressed doesn’t mean I am sad all the time. As well as the opposite, just because I am on meds doesn’t mean I will never be sad. The meds bring me to normal like everyone else. I have good days and bad days.

4. What do you have to be depressed about———> Again my life could be the best ever, I could have everything and I would still be depressed. You want to know why, because IT IS NOT A CHOICE. IF I HAD A CHOICE I WOULD NOT HAVE DEPRESSION, NOR WOULD I HAVE ANXIETY ATTACKS. Please be sensible about this people.

My mind left the topic I was focused on so therefore I am researching, Here is an easier explanation of how I feel, and then I will write my own, and more about my life.

Let me put this for something to think on¬†:¬†Depression is an illness defined by lack of interest in most things, lack of energy, lack of focus. So as with ¬†many things you need to be reciprocal in a friendship/relationship. The bottomline is the person with depression can’t help it. They can get help and often times they will get better but there is no timeline and it can take a while to find the right help.

  • On Reddit, Someone ( whose account is now deleted), said it pretty well……

Depression is “heavy”. It is physically draining, you have barely enough energy to function. Thus you would prefer to stay in bed. And then you think of the things that ‘needed’ to get done today, asking for more than just a ‘barely functional’ human being. Then your day seems like an enormous obstacle you cannot over come.

Depression is also mental pain. The physical ache is dull but the mental one is always sharp and waiting for you. Long term depression means you will start to accommodate that pain, as a way to adapt to the discrepancy between what you think you can manage and what is being asked of you. This sick way of thinking may become normal, so even when the brain chemistry lets up a little for a bit, you are still convinced of whatever “the script” your sick/depressed brain told you (you’re: worthless, unlovable, alone, stupid, lazy, etc). In this way, depression is the silent killer.

60% of suicides in the U.S. were mentally ill, primarily depressed/anxious (although maybe not for just genetic reasons). You are in so much pain, for so long, your brain ignores even the survival instinct, and all you want is to not be in pain anymore. Those people did not “commit” suicide, like one “commits” crimes. They died of their depression, it was finally too much for them.

You know when the water in the pool is cold but not so cold that you wont get used to it once you are in? If yes you probably have been in this situation where you are standing at the edge of the pool wanting to go in but something is holding you back. All your friends in the pool have fun, you have been trough this a thousand times and you know everything will be okay once you are in but still something inside you makes it hard for you to jump into the pool.

Depression is like that just with every single thing you do.

“Well everyone has bad days…” ….. I get this a lot and here is my response to that!¬†

Try having bad days for a week ¬†straight (Generally how long I’m depressed for at a time, give or take a few days.), going to be debating how you are going to kill yourself, thinking about killing yourself for several days straight, wondering how the heck you can still be alive when you wake up feeling dead, not having the energy to get out of bed and move, eventually when you do get up, wonder why, and then wander through life trying to work out how everyone else is so bloody cheerful.

At the same time, I simply cannot work out why I am depressed anymore. I just got engaged. I have a nice paying job, and a house. I should have been happy. Instead, I ¬†just sat there, feeling like utter shit. People cannot work that one out. I’ve just given up explaining what depression is, and told them that if they cannot accept the fact that I’m depressed, that I could not give a shit anymore, and I do not need them making things a whole heap worse with comments such as “Well, you’d feel better if you just lighten up.”

But then on the other hand I can certainly at times understand why someone can not get how serious the situation is. If you’ve never had a real depression episode, then you will never truly 100% make sense of it. And that is okay with me. What is not okay with me is assumption, and being a complete asshat about the subject. You don’t even have to agree with me, that is ¬†not a requirement. I just can not stand anymore, people making light of my situation. I find no humor, I have a couple serious medical/mental/physical issues. They are just as important as someone who has asthma (just an example). Then you have the medication, that is a touchy subject. I am on medication, but didn’t get on medication until I was an adult and out of the house, because my mom didn’t still doesn’t believe in depression. My medication works for me, but it probably won’t work for someone else. Mental health medications are very sensitive and if you do have depression you have to give them to work. Also they take awhile to kick in, so do not get discouraged. ¬†There are those out there who believe in depression and then don’t think the meds work at all. But my educated guess is that they themselves had a bad medication experience, and because the results of medication working are slight, in the way of viewing from outside, they thought they didn’t work.

I won’t make assumptions that you’re a complete asshat, if you don’t assume I’m a lazy, selfish, bitch, when in reality I have MDD (major depressive disorder) and GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) and OCD (obsessive Compulsive Disorder). ¬†I’m very open about myself, and my life. I am glad to talk about my experiences with others, but this is last time I am nice to anyone that is ignorant, and doesn’t try to sit down and understand my situation. Next time I won’t hold back, and you probably won’t like what I have to say.

Okay this went way off what I initially started but it felt good anyway.

If the Rain must Fall

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Today is not one of those days where my blog is going to eventually have a happy peaceful undertone. I honestly don’t have much direction for this blog. Other than the fact that I know I NEED to write, just to kind clense my brain, and also I love the song my blog is titled after. It’s a beautiful song by Morrison, and it reminded me of something benji said to me today. So there you are a brief description of nothing, haha. OKay let’s begin.

As I have said before, I have Major Depression, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder.¬† I am now on medication for both, but some days nothing works. Well today was one of those days. In the end I know it will pass and tomorrow will be better. That does not however make it better in that day. That day becomes horrible, and you try to explain when people ask what is wrong but you can’t. I’m serious you can’t explain it. If you do begin to try to explain it, you will soon realize you sound horribly insane and crazy. It will honestly be better if you stop while you’re ahead. Now the downside, people if they give a shit, will always ask what is wrong and then get angry when you either say, “Nothing, I’m fine” or “Don’t Worry about it.”. Here’s what I think I am going to try to do in the future, my benjamin knows about all my crazy mental issues, and it might make more sense to just tell him, “Hey my brain is going wacko today, can you give me some space, and just hold me when I need you to.” Instead of what I do now, which is bad and harmful to both parties involved.

Today, I really did wake up on the wrong side of the bed, and as described above it was one of those days. I did exactly what I yell at other people for doing. I took all my anger and fustration I had for myself, and numerous other situations and I directed it at one person. For that I am truly sorry, and I also got totally showed up, because everything he said was right. I know all of the things he said, but in that moment I frankly didn’t care either way, all I wanted was him to just hold me and not say anything. We are way too much alike though, and therefore something always has to be said. I was so angry, so upset, that even when he said the sweetest things I have ever heard they got ignored. I was just a horrible person this morning.

I finally have someone, that literally told me he worships me, loves me with all he has, and would walk on hot coals for me.¬†Then no matter how pissed I get at him, He never will walk away, because we have to get things worked out. He is my rock even when I don’t want him to be. ¬†

So in closing with mental issues you try to be as stable as possible but it’s not always able to be. You just have to do your best to be happy with what you have and take it minute by minute. If you’re lucky enough you have a good person by your side holding your hand.

A Bitch is a Bitch

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How is everyone in internet land? 

I’m doing pretty good, but my reason for writing today is a little bit different than normal. I’m writing to any NEW people in my group of friends. Now if you have been following my blog, you should realize a couple of things, and yes the fact that I’m crazy is Number one. Among other entries though: you do learn that I don’t have many friends, and I never really have, that I am extremely shy, that I was just very recently hurt really bad by a person I thought was my best friend, and I am kind of a loner and awkward.¬†

With all of that said now, I can get to the heart of the matter, I don’t really think I know how to be a good best friend. Well at least I don’t know how to be a proper one. My former best friend and I’s relationship was so messed up, no one knew including me when we liked each other, and when we hated each other. Our friendship was very one sided, and I am scared to make new friends, and get into a similar situation. I finally found my soul-mate in Benjamin, and I am secure in that. ¬†Underneath though I still am a girl, even though I don’t act like it much. I need a girl best friend. Someone who I can occasionally watch sappy movies with, and cry to and enjoy time with. Someone who thinks of me as more than just a therapist, because I am way more than that.¬†

I want to be so much more. When I think about my childhood, I have always drifted to men, and I’ve always told myself, I don’t need a female friend that I talk to all the time. A lot of times that may be true, I love my boys…. wait that sounds bad. The group of my close knit guy friends, and my extended friends are amazing, and get me through day to day. But now I tend to find myself, needed more. I need someone that can relate a bit easier. Because no matter what others say sometimes boys really just don’t understand. What really hinders my ability to make and keep friends, is how shy, and awkward I am. I half the time can’t start a conversation, but I can keep it once it’s started. Then slowly the more you get inside of this crazy brain you get to know the real me. I wish I could be that outgoing all the time though.¬†

This is really going to sound like begging, and it’s really not. But please if you find that ¬†I don’t call, or text you back, know that it’s probably because I am sitting at home giving myself an anxiety attack about the last time we talked or hung out. Did I say something wrong, did I push them away, etc, etc. Then usually that throws me into a funk, and I don’t do anything. I sit at home, feel bad for myself, eat, and watch TV. Hence my weight…..! So just give me time, and don’t judge me to harshly. I’m not used to all this. Feel free to give me any advice, or helpful hints. What I am for sure about is that I try damnit, and that’s more than a lot of people can say.¬†

Ashtrays and Heartbreak

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I have never been a huge Snoop Dogg fan, but I just today watched his documentary Reincarnated, and he has totally changed his life, Which I totally respect highly. He has no desire to rap anymore, or be hateful. He went to Jamaica for a couple months, and his new record is reggae, and I must say it is amazing. It relaxes me, gets me out of my head and allows me to be at peace. Which especially around the holidays is a nice change of pace. ¬†I put way too much stress on myself. I know better than to put it on anyone else. I do it all myself, and it makes me crazy. Plus I’m so quick to get irritated that I just lock up, and there is nothing anyone can do. Today was a bit harder, because of work, and other personal stuff. Sp frankly I am just trying to write, listen to music, and calm my mind. I really think I am ¬†going to try to look up and actually follow through, with anti stress things to do. I’ve tried meditation, and as stupid as it made me feel, it did work, and with the right type of music, and of course more writing. I should be able to help myself. My doctor did his part, and I need to start to do mine. Thats all for tonight… thanks for listening internet.¬†

Bulletproof

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So I know I don’t always admit it but I a girl. I may not be very vocal about everything that I want but I want the same shit every other girl wants. I want flowers and romance. I want suprise and date nights. Of course it won’t be typical because I’m not a normal girl. Lately it has been getting on my nerves that because I don’t act or dress like a normal girl that means that I get treated like shit. Excuses are usually I’m being a bitch, and granted that a lot of times I am a bitch. But that is not a excuse to use for every point, value or opinion. I’ve always been one of the guys, and may e finally I’m realizing that there on differences. I like being treated like myself, the girl not the rest of the guys. Because while I have hardened over the years I am extra sensitive at times, my feelings get hurt, I’m not as strong or cruel. Feelings I has them. Moral of the story.

Another topic is that, compliments and expressing your feelings. Apparently thhat has become like a taboo. I understand how hard it is to say hey you look nice today, or hey nice boobs! Even a stranger saying something. I don’t know it’s just depressing. I’ve tried lately to be nicer and not as angry. Then it makes me see the world kind of different.

The anger of people scares me for some reason ever since I was little it has scared me. People get angry and yell and I instantly get upset and start to cry. That’s why men with anger issues dont work. But my anxiety meds help that and make me less nervous, so that’s good, but I still had yelling.

Of I have to talk on here because I don’t have the best friend to vent to anymore. I have Ben yes and of course he is my number one bff, but when I need to vent about him I can’t for obvious reasons. I just need someone to click with and someone down to earth. I’m full up of egotistical people. So anyway here is my vent. For my peeps. Take it as you will. I’ll survive right way I’m. Bulletproof.

Best of you

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Just today my love got questioned. SO I decided to let everyone know how I feel about of this and how I really feel about Benjamin.

I met Benjamin 13 years ago. I was just a new girl who had just moved and had no one. He and another boy Mr. Corey were my first real friends I had. Without them the period in my life would have been miserable. I was always closer to Benji we dated for a bit in 7th grade, and he dumped me ;).

Then life happens and you drift apart, but no matter how far apart we were he was the one I could count on to always come running, the one that always gave me the straight truth. I saw him with other girls, and it would hurt somewhere deep inside. Why I never acted on it before is beyond me. Then sometime last year we hooked back up, I had unleashed my inner nerd, and everything was like was before. After awhile, I wanted to be with him more than I wanted to be with the guy I was with. Then I got my heart broke, and this man all the way in Georgia is talking to me for a full three days. He was heartbroken for me and all he wanted to do was try to make me feel better. It only took me those three days to see that this was him. The one I want to be with for the rest of my life, he is right here, my best friend, my soul mate. Essentially that’s where our new story begins.

With him in my life, I have changed. I know it’s always cliche and people say these things. But I understand it now. With him I am complete, and I feel amazing. Even when his way of saying I love you can sometimes be Well, you are stuck me.” And all those times we fight over the tiniest thing, only to five minutes later be talking about how idiotic we can be. Him living with two cats and being allergic. This is my forever, there is no question in mind. Everyone in the world, could turn their backs on me and I would stand side by side with my soul mate. I can only hope that everyone can feel the love I feel for Benjamin and feel from him in return.

I have no reason after writing all this to be mad, or angry at the person that spurred all this. Obviously that person will never be in my life again, and that’s okay. Because you give me a choice and I will choose Benjamin every time.

Wanna be Starting Something

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So I am trying something new here starting next week. I have been starting to get lazy again with working out, and honestly in general. So therefore I am deciding I am going to try to start getting up at 7 a.m. every morning. I’ve decided on a routine.

1. Set alarm for 7 a.m.

2. Get a shower right away.

3. Eat something (sitting at dinning room table). No more eating in living room.

4. Go to gym, or work out at home. Do at least treadmill every day.

5. Straighten up house.

6. Run any errands,bills, etc.

Other Rules I want to adbid by…..

Drink only one-two pops per day.

No use of cell phone until 9 am.

No sitting on the couch and watching TV untill I work out, and straighten house.

Eat at home as much as possible.

So in short that is my plan. I am going to start it Monday morning no matter what, and going to start bit by bit the rest of this week. I will make sure I lose this weight that I want to lose and in general have a healthier lifestyle.

Good Enough

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Once again, this is my blog, my views an d my opinions. Oh and this is super random.

I have always been a very pessimistic person, but now for once in my life I know all the bad stuff I am going through will be worth it in the end. I have found the person that I will spend the rest of my life with. He is an amazing man,and my best friend. I am so happy for what I have found. Although some days my mind still wanders back to what was. Everything I have been through, all the guys I have gone through and all the secrets that very few people know. My life has gone through so many changes, from one thing to another, always changing always evolving. I never felt settled, I never felt totally comfortable. I used to let people walk all over me. Letting people bash me and bring me down. I did it for so long that when I started to take control over my life and not let people control me that they didn‚Äôt know how to react, and I lost a lot of people. I may not have taken the easiest road to finding myself and being totally comfortable with me and my life, but I finally did. No one not anyone is going to change that. There is not a damn person in this world, that can tell me now how I should live my life. You think I’m moving to fast, screw you. Lets delve into this, I’ve know this man for 13 years. I know him like no other and he knows me. So what if he stays with me almost every night. My life is no ones business. Unless I let you in on my life, keep your damn judgmental comments to yourself. I never asked for anyone‚Äôs opinion therefore I don’t give a damn what you think. Okay moving on, I have has so many friends come and go. The group I have now have been there since day one. How many of you reading this can say you never left my side, and that you always had my back. Yeah not many of you. The man I call my boyfriend is one, and the two others are my two best friends. I may not speak to them all the time, but I always know they are there. I can’t tell you how many times, just that thought has gotten me through some really rough times. Because there have been people in my life that I thought I could not imagine life without them. They meant a lot to me, and apparently I valued our friendship more than they did. DO you know how much that hurts?! When you get a hold of someone and they have no clue who you are. That is some painful shit. It was like a huge slap in the face. Yet it made me love the man I am with that much more. I don’t need people in my life who don’t value me. People that don’t see how amazing of a friend I am, and how good of am person I really am. I am not here for anyone to take advantage of, nor your constant therapist, or for you to only want to be friends when it convenient. I have important shit in my life too, I get scared, and get sad. I am human, maybe for once I am finally realizing that. The people I accept into my life are there by my side through the good and the bad. It’s not an option to leave when it gets tough, because frankly that is not friendship. I wouldn’t do that to anyone, and I will not accept it in my life. Venting always feels wonderful it really does, and frankly I have another situation that I could vent over, but I want that as far away from me as possible. I’m just happy and excited for the future with Benjamin, and the amazing people that make up my life. It’s okay it really is, and it from now on it always will be. ¬†

Love me or Not

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My love

For forever ago, but always makes me smile

There are very few words to describe my life, as it has changed. For once in my life, I am totally comfortable and know 110% that I am where I am supposed to be. Nothing has ever felt more right. I have never had someone as supportive as¬†Benjamin¬†is for me. All he wants is the best for me, and I want the same for him. I love the feeling of being a team, it’s like I know he will have my back no matter what. Hell, even when we weren’t together and I was total bitch he had my back. Some days I feel stupid though. Only because the love of my life was right in front of me all the time, and it took me so long to¬†recognize¬†the feelings I had for him. I used to kind of be the jealous type, but that has all changed with him. There is no reason for me to be jealous. I know for a matter of a fact, how much Ben loves me and honestly will always love me. I still get so nervous, because I am constantly trying to be perfect, but with him I finally realized to some sort that I don’t have to be perfect. He doesn’t love me for that reason, he loves me for me, and I am not perfect as much as I try to be. I am going to screw up. I am going to piss him off and he will do the same, but thats all part of ¬†love really. I don’t ever see me truly ever being mad at him for more than a day. I’ve tried and it doesn’t work. Quite annoying really.¬†

I’ve lost all focus now and better quite typing before I go crazy. More later I promise.¬†