changing | Angel With the Scabbed Wings

“If you don’t value and love life, you can’t love someone else, because without life there would be no love. You wouldn’t be here to love anything or anyone.”- Dawn S.

I said this quote this weekend, and it really got to me. Maybe because of everything going on with my ex (stalking, begging, threatening and all the rest) but I finally understood, what “loving life” meant. Without the life that I have right now, I would have no one. You can’t expect to sit there and hate your life, and not want to live, and expect people to love you when you don’t love yourself or the life you live. Mostly because if they are in your life they naturally feel like they are part of what you hate. Whether that may be the truth, it’s all in how it feel to someone looking from the outside.

Now I’m not one to stand on my soapbox and preach. I will admit that there has been times, many in fact, that I have felt or even spoken about hating my life. In that moment I did, and in fact I at that moment hated the man I with, I hated who I turned into while with him, and I didn’t want to be in the situation. But by literally hating my life, I couldn’t even try to begin to love myself enough to pull out of the bad situation I was in. The humorous part is that this same cycle has happened to me numerous times. It took the longest time, and the greatest amount of courage and strength to first off accept something was wrong and second to actually change my ways and change my life. So coming from experience it can be done.

I’m on the other side of fence now. The view is remarkable. I got here with the help of amazing friends and medication. Everyone is different, I got lucky, honestly sincerely lucky. For the fact that the friends that stuck by me are the most amazing group of people and without them and my family (mainly my mom) what I got through wouldn’t be possible. The weird thing is a lot of them, helped me without even trying, or knowing they were actually helping. For that I thank everyone of you. I also got lucky when I developed the courage to seek out professional help, and yes I am on anti-depressants and they have helped. Where my friends and family and life changes were the first steps to a better me, the anti-depressants were the second. Honest true self love will be the final step. To do that I do have some work to go, but it can be done. I know that now. Knowing is half the battle. The other half involves strength with I have some of that too.

Now that I am in an amazing relationship, even though it’s technically new. It feels like the most natural thing in the world. After 13 years he has always been there for me. He has seen me at my worst, my best and every where in between. Not matter what happened he was always someone I could count on being there for me, even if a day before I said I hated him. He makes his opinion known, which is a nice change of pace for what I am used to. Although for once in my life I hate arguing with him. The way I feel about him, sometimes makes me stop mid argument and just not care. Because we argue about mundane things, and in the end it’s okay. We have difference of opinions, and well a lot of the times I get super upset over little things. And at the end of the day none of that matters, because this “us” is the best thing that has ever happened to either of us. And frankly I never want it end. I have the privilege to say After 13 years I fell in love with my best friend. That’s my story… hear me.