“…You’re just now getting to feel like Taylor Swift.” -Joshua
“It’s Never too Late to Be who You Really Are.”
That may not mean anything to a lot of people, but it totally describes how I’m feeling and what I am going through. Hopefully that doesn’t sound bad, because it is meant in the total opposite way. There’s been so much learning, discovering and healing is the recent months. I’ve been so excellent at playing what everyone wants me to be that it’s hard to just be me. But when I am with him, that is exactly what I am, Just me! Honestly he may (okay he is) the only person that truly knows the real me. I no longer put on a show for people, I am “real” around my friends, and family. But none of them know or understand me in the way that he does. No one can, it doesn’t bother me, I actually quite like it that way.
I feel bad for the people that haven’t really known the true me, many think they have and other than him and family only one other person. It’s not who I even expected when I sat and thought, but I can’t turn back time. I can only live day by day, and set things straight as I go.
We Started off with a random set of expectations and the like, knowing that we would at least have to try to become friends first. There just was no trying about it, we were. I swear to you from day one, it was like I knew him for years. It was so easy and carefree, It still is. Now of course Life throws things at you and we have our fair set of obstacles, but we just work together, and are 110% honest with each other. It’s nice for the first time to be able to be with someone, and just knowing you can let all your guards down, and just be with that person, be happy. It’s even better when you know it’s mutual. It’s amazing to for the first time, be so sure of something that nothing anyone ( not even those closest to you) says can sway you. There are those in my life, that may not like my decision(s), this decision. I’m done hearing your crap….
For those let me give you a PSA : There IS NO OTHER GUY better for me at the current time than the one I am currently with. That may change I hope it doesn’t, but if it does, it will be by my own or his own decisions not you or your opinion.
* I apologize this has kind of turned into me just ranting and such, but it’s what I feel like doing so, don’t read it if you don’t want to. It won’t bother me none :)*
Oh right back to good stuff, He is not only my boyfriend, but he is my best friend. We are so much alike that sometimes it takes more work, but we are both willing to do that work. It would fall apart otherwise. I can sit with him extremely comfortable in total silence. Sometimes when nothing is said, you feel things the most. We can strike up a million and one conversations, and talk for hours. Just driving around, talking, listening, my favorite dates. I tell you people of the inter-web it’s pretty amazing, what I have. We are both sad we didn’t find it sooner.
Now I was talking to him the other night about this usual process, the guys I date go through. You know… I have outward me (what the professional and most world sees) which most like, then you proceed to a long and sometimes painful mean bitch phase, followed by sweet me or not caring just whatever me, only then do you get to the core of real me. See no one has made it past sweet me, usually they barely make it past mean bitch me, and give up in the next stage. This was not the case for Joshua…. he went from… outward me to real me, oh yeah. Let me tell you that was a total mind fuck for me. I’m so used to my steps, weeding out if you may, but then it came me, He’s not supposed to be weeded out. He doesn’t need to go through the steps. With Him I am myself, and With me he is himself. It will all be okay!
Okay, well I think I am done for now, I feel damn good right now.
Angel With the Scabbed Wings 