Category Archives: Tales of My time

Leaving on A Jet Plane

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Today Prompt(s): How have you changed recently? Who is one person who’s changed you and why?

Change is such a good topic for me right now, because  there is a lot of change, good and bad, in my life. That it’s good to talk about. Preamble this post with: Change is good for everyone’s life. I all my life have always been resistant to it. Now I see that no matter what form it comes in it usually in the long way makes your life go a better way than it would have if such change hadn’t happened.

If you have read my previous posts then you know I am currently getting a divorce. Paperwork is almost done YAY! ( I have to do it myself since it’s technically a dissolution and mutual.) You almost may have picked up on the fact that I have someone new in my life 😀 ! Just those two things alone, are enough person for one person, but let’s talk a bit more.

I’m not at all having a problem with my divorce per say… we didn’t love each other, he’s been gone since June and once paperwork and other legalities are out of the way I will be re leaved. The only “issue” I am having is purely mental. I’m so used to the way he treated me, always having someone in the house (apartment, actually), the things he did, our dynamic per say. Like with the holidays coming up it’s going to be so different. My brain is still adjusting to it all a bit. While I’m perfectly fine, and very ecstatically happy  actually with Josh (new guy) the holidays have thrown everything off. Since me and Josh are new I’m not sure what to do about holidays.  Ya know for the past four years I’ve always had someone with me, celebrating small just us, and with family. Now I’m like WTF do I do? It’s a change that my brain can’t really comprehend right now. I tried  talking to Josh about it, but I couldn’t express what I meant, maybe now that it’s written down I can verbalize.

So probably the next biggest change is my new relationship. We have been talking and seeing each other since early September, and finally made it official on 11/11/11 (oh yeah easy date to remember ha ha.) Josh coming into my life has been nothing short of amazing. He sees me in a way that every man should see the women that they are with, physically and mentally. They say you should always change for yourself not for someone else. But we both agree that being with the other, makes each of us want to change, to be better for each other. I never thought anyone could make me feel this way. I see myself in a totally different light. Also for the first time in so many years I am happy with my body and the way I look. Now that’s not to say I am not going to try to start working out again, eating better etc, but I know I’m more than what my warped self-image sees in that mirror.

It’s the little things like this weekend, he came up behind me, and said ” You know what, I decided I’m going to be making you happy for a very long time.”

Then while we were playing the New ZELDA- Skyward Sword game, he randomly would look at me, and say “You’re cute” or “you’re Fucking gorgeous”

Sorry that went on more about personal stuff, but I have no friends, who else am I going to brag too? 🙂 Thanks for reading!

 

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Anyone Else But You

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While Browsing the inter webs tonight I came across a few things that sparked my mind racing. Okay, yeah I know it doesn’t take much to do that, but this caught it enough for me to formulate my thoughts into words, and that my friends takes much more effort. I came across this blog, and the contents include many a good blog  post but also awesome quotes. http://infatuationoflove.blogspot.com/view/classic

I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them. I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don’t care back and it’s not the end of the world. Don’t expect love in return. Just wait for it to grow in their heart, but if it doesn’t, be content it grew in yours.     -Infatuation Of Love.Blogspot

The past two months have probably been the best I’ve ever experienced. I’ve never been more myself, or happier than I currently am. Even with all of the drama, hardships, and feelings that come all with starting a new relationship. I’m not one that struggles for words, at least when writing. With Josh though I do, I guess I am keeping it close to my heart ❤ so as not to ruin it.

Anyway that quote sparked a few thoughts, and feelings that I haven’t felt in sometime. For so many years I have molded myself to what others want me to be. It was a very long time ago that I last remember me being whole and true to myself. Once I realized how good I was at changing my personality (acting, you could say) it was so much easier to just float through life. Drifting from personality to personality, discarding one after another whenever I felt like it. I didn’t know how much it was affecting me emotionally. How much I was losing all that used to be me, and how numb I had become.

Thinking about that quote, really made me go back and examine all my previous friendships and relationships. How casually I used the words “I love you”, just so someone would say it back, making me feel less alone. How forceful I was at moving things along at a cheetah like pace, never letting any real feelings develop. How I little I really knew about love. When each relationship ended is the moments in which I grew and learned about love. Those memories hurt like hell, but it’s during those tears that taught me the most.

” Buildings Burn, People die, but Real love is Forever!”

I have this quote tattooed on the inside of my upper left arm. For no other reason than it’s true. Also though I have had “the one” and I’ve lost the one, twice. It’s hard when you know how much you love someone, and that you will always love them, but you can’t be with them. In my situation, I still don’t fully comprehend why it is that I can’t be with this person who I know without any doubts, was “the one”. I may never know, but I’m content with the fact that the time we had together I loved him with all I had. I hope he understands it truly was nothing he did, or said. I don’t ever want him to feel like a shitty person or take the blame. I put all of that on me, it always will be a burden I carry, but I do it with the utmost respect and open mindedness. Last thing though… I also believe that we as one person do NOT only have ONE “soul-mate”. I believe there can be multiple times you say “the one”. Your life evolves, and to think someone you considered the one back in high school is still the one is absurd. Many times as much as you loved each other, it’s not the same. He/she was A ONE, but You have to find Your ONE now for your present life, and hope he/she becomes your LAST ONE.

 

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Through Glass

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Soundtrack: Stone Sour

Insanity :Doing the same thing(s) over and over again, and expecting a different result.
By that definition I am Insane. I’ve said a million times that I am going to break the cycle in which I live, but it never happens. I learned something in the past couple of months. What happens is I think that once I write and/or say it that it will just happen. Well that is just not true. I have to be really conscious and aware of the decisions I am making. While most decisions are not life threatening, they will in someway affect the way my life is lived good or bad. My life isn’t going to get better with the wave of a magical wand. I know that, I know that now more than ever.

Recently, I have been in the situation I know we all have been in. You know the situation where the Right Decision to make isn’t the easy one, but the easy decision is very tempting. I have always avoided those decisions, because they really put a huge mental strain on me. I end up thinking about them for months on end. In my heart I know I made the right decision, but I am always second guessing myself; Always thinking what if. If I made the right decision than don’t think in what if’s. I just need to cherish the memories, and live my life with what’s in front of me now, today. That’s exactly what I am doing now.

So here is a little update on my life. Currently I am still just plowing through life. I recently just got a new tattoo that says “Buildings Burn, People Die, but Real Love is Forever” With a crow. I will post a picture once I get a good one. Roxie and I are happy in our little humble abode. Although on Saturday we are going to meet a potential new brother for her. I have to admit I am very excited. I know the burning question on your mind is what’s new in my love life…. Yeah you want to know don’t you?

Story Time with Dawn

There was this girl, who was going about her life, she had reconnected with an old BF and they were whatever they were. Then one day this girl got to thinking about a lot of things. As she so normally does and she realizes that this is once again part of the cycle. While she truly and deeply loves such man, it’s never going to work out. It’s not what she wants. After crying many nights, she knows that it had to happen, and that it will all be okay.

Now we have to back up… Way back in June this girl signed up for a dating site, and about a week in started talking to this guy. He was so easy to talk to, they had a lot in common, he was unique and understood her the way no one else has ever. Since both were in crazy situations they kept it at friends for many months, and plus they could never find a time to get together. Now this girl had a bunch of crazy stuff going on, but he was there all along, even if she just needed to vent. Finally one day these two get together to just hang out watching a movie. It was a night like no other, and both described it nothing short of amazing. Since then they have talked every day, and don’t usually go a long time without seeing each other, if only for a couple hours. This weekend they will hopefully find time for their official “first date”.

To Be Continued…..

That’s all you get for now on that subject because other than that I’m for once keeping most of it pretty close to me. Our situation is unique in many aspects, and I’m trying to just take it as it comes. What we have is very good though, but words don’t do justice to some things though.

Lately I haven’t been in the writing mood. I know if you know me then you know that this is crazy talk, but it’s accurate. I’m not holding things intentionally, I’m really not. It’s like I say all these things to myself in my head and then I go to write them down and I lock up and shut down. I have been through so much crap since June. Some of it I have had no control over, and other things I brought upon myself, but that doesn’t make the pain I feel any less. It doesn’t make the hurt go away or invalid. Now don’t get me wrong, I am out of my “numb” state that I was in for awhile, but the emotions from all that and other current situations have not caught up with me yet. I can feel the emotions rising up. Recently the little things have been setting me off and making me more upset than they should. Typically I cry on a whim, I cry even when I get mad, but as much as I have been trying nothing can get me to that point of just letting go and letting it all out. Although I do have to say I am weird about crying, if I know I am going to be crying big time I don’t like to do it alone, but on the other hand I trust very few people to see me in that vulnerable of a state. Soon I hope that I can just cry and get it out. What I fear will happen is my lack of tears is going to build up a wall again. If you’ve been around for awhile you know how long it takes for that wall to be torn down. Seriously though even writing this, it’s weird because my brain says one thing and my hands type another. It’s getting pretty annoying. This is tricky to write, trying to write down my true feelings.

I will try again soon……

A twist in my Story

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This is a two part blog…..

PART ONE (Soundtrack : A genius mix on my ipod from the little things by linken park)

When you become lost everything becomes like a whirlwind around you. You don’t know what direction you came from or what direction to go. Things and people pass by so fast that there wasn’t even time to see what or who they truly were. There’s no time to stop and rest. You feel utterly drained all the time, even when you have done nothing. You feel as if you are going to self implode and honestly that would be easier.

My life has been just that for over two months now. The big change in my life was my husband and I splitting, which I now know that it was the best decision of my life. I care for him don’t get me wrong. He is a great friend (a best friend) that I will always hold dear to my heart. Even with knowing I was making the right decision the aftermath of that decision was pretty terrible. Although in everyone else’s defense I brought a lot of it on myself. Now though on this day, I feel as if my life makes sense and I’m home. So here is My Story…..

I do not like to be alone, and I hate being single. So as you can imagine the weeks following my spilt were horrible. I was now living alone for the first time in 24 years, and was single for more that two weeks, also for the first time in 24 years. I constantly wanted someone there, I wanted companionship, even if I knew in the back of my mind that it wasn’t going to last. Just having someone there pretending to care was okay. This went on a total of three times, and each time resulted in tears on my end. Now that I look back the tears weren’t because they “broke my heart”. The tears were because they left and now once again I was left alone. Everyone was telling me that I didn’t need to be in a relationship, and I agreed to a point. I honestly didn’t want a serious one, but I didn’t know how to find that feeling without it. I didn’t know how to be comfortable being alone. Truly I wasn’t happy with myself and being alone meant I had to deal with that.

Little by little though I got better, after each guy leaving I didn’t feel as sad. I would start to see the bad things, and see that it wasn’t life or death. It was just the world of dating. Which just as a FYI …. I hate. Soon I got to a point where I said Fuck it! I don’t need a man. I’m okay alone, because until some guy truly sees what I have to offer, and takes a chance on me, I’m not putting myself out there. It was like a light bulb moment. I realized that I am an awesome person that the right guy will be lucky to have.
I was for the first time okay with myself, and knew that I could do whatever I wanted to. It is not always going to be easy but it will all be okay. Just have to live and every now and again breathe….

Don’t forget to breath.

Mad World

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Finally I think that I have fully embraced this Relaxing thing. Just in the past week I have made a conscious effort to slow down the pace of my life, and quit worrying so much. It has made a difference that even I couldn’t imagine. The bad things that happen aren’t so bad and I get joy out of the smallest things. Especially last night, I’ve come to realize that honestly to have a good time with someone you don’t have to be doing anything. Okay well maybe if you’re not comfortable with that person you might have to, but when you’re comfortable with someone, just spending relaxing time with Beer and TV is a good time. It made going back to work for my five day stretch okay. No longer am I worried about what will happen in the future, and I’m not looking to rush anything in my life. I can’t lie, I am super excited about what’s to come in all aspects of my life, but they will come in there own time. This rings true the most in the department of relationships and love. Throughout my past everything has been rushed and I probably have shorted myself on all the special moments. You can’t experience and embrace what is happening when you moving at lighting speed. Embracing my happiness for right now, my life at this moment, who’s in it, and enjoying me is whats important and is what will make whatever happens all that better. I have never liked surprises, but secretly always wanted surprises in my life. Now I want to be surprised (in love and otherwise).

Moral of this story: Im happy, living and loving at the pace I am now, and I wouldn’t change anything (except for the better) for the world.

Stand in The Rain

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This Blog is Dedicated to My Favorite television Character Ever…. Kara Thrace “StarBuck” As played by Katee Sackhoff.

I Started watching BattleStar Galactica ( herein referred to as BSG ) a few years ago, and maybe into the third episode I was hooked. Mainly I was drawn to Starbuck. Kara Thrace is “the best damn viper pilot…. ever.” She is very complex and ever evolving character, that reaches out and touches the core of who I am. USA Today described her as “the broken warrior, a young, idealistic soldier who has been fighting for all the right reasons, but has lost something along the way.” At the beginning of the series she doesn’t value her own life, and would die for others, and by the end she is ready to sacrifice her own life for others, because she now values all life. She has tough exterior, hangs out with the guys, drinks, smokes and has a kick ass attitude. But inside there is so much more to Kara, she hides a lot of the inner core of her. She is deeply spiritual and prays to the Lords of Kobol in times of great need. She has suffered so much, and yet she keeps going. Yet throughout the series she discovers love, and happiness only to have it taken away in the worst way time and time again. She doesn’t surrender though it just makes her stronger, and give he something to keep going. You see spurts of a girly side to Starbuck, and you see her creative side. In the end it is love, value, and respect that lead her to her destiny. As the “Harbinger of Death” she will lead them to salvation and destruction, on earth.

Watching the evolution of Starbuck throughout the series, strikes so many cords inside of me, I truly feel a connection to this character. I am so far away from where I used to be. I am so proud of myself. I think that is the first time I have ever said that. I have been through so much loss, love, hurt, pain. People have tried to break me, hell I tried to break myself, and still I am here and stronger than ever. Im not going anywhere, for the first time in my life I feel that way. I’ve had my moments where I didn’t want to live anymore, but now No way, I want to experience what life has left in store for me. I want to learn all there is to learn and I want to help others, I want it all.

My personality as a tomboy, and a bitch leads me to try to put up walls and put on masks, so no one knows when I’m hurting. While that Tomboy is always who I will be I know that now the walls can come down, and the mask can come off, because I’m not fooling anyone but myself. Those who are in my life currently broke through the walls and saw through the mask a long time ago. I found a song…… ‘Stand in the rain” by SuperChick. http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/superchick/standintherain.html

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it’s all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won’t drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

That’s just the chorus, lol. I can do this. Right now at this moment I am so grateful for my remembrance of Kara Thrace, because of how much I relate to her, I now see that I’m okay, I will be okay. I’m strong, resilient, full of heart, funny, with attitude and sometimes hard headed, most of all….. I am me. Right Now and Forever I’m Dawn and I love ME. I embrace where I came from. I remember how strong I had to be to get through the pain. I Hold on to those I put through hell, but without you I wouldn’t be standing here today. I’m not perfect, but who is… What is important is that I stay true to me, and Love me and all of my fraking defects.

In closing, Thank you Kara Thrace, for showing me, it’s okay.


My Way

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Today I want someone to learn from my past and current mistakes. Also maybe I just want to get it off my chest either way I think it’s a good thing I will be doing. Forewarning though…. This is my blog and therefore an written account on my thoughts and feelings, if I say something to offend/hurt someone I understand and will hear you side of whatever it is, and I may even be sorry sometimes, but NEVER will I take it back.

To someone that may learn from what I have done

First thing first Life is not easy, and this applies whether you have money or not.  Money does not imply happiness. As a child for most life may start to seem that it’s going to be great, but your parents as that time are taking the blunt of your stress, anxiety and worry and there will be a time when you will have to take that on yourself. Now my suggestion is start early while you are still under your parents roof, start saving money and being independent. When the day comes and you live on your own, you won’t be like a deer in headlights.

School is an educational institution, it is not there for you to not do homework, because hanging with your most recent acquired friends was more important. I promise you one day you will recall what they taught you or tried to teach you in school. If in High school everything is more important than your studies, you will get left behind, and that awesome college and wonderful job will be nowhere in sight. Colleges and Jobs don’t care about your social status in High School, they care about grades and Test scores, so no matter what everyone says those are what matter to your future.

Now I know you are saying well that sounds horrible. It’s not all that bad I promise. You can still have friends, go out with them, watch movies, etc. Things just have to be kept in perspective and I know its hard now but a lot of those friends will not be there out of high school.  Although some will stick around and be great friends. I meet my three best friends in school one in middle school two in High school, but push comes to shove YOU ARE THE IMPORTANT ONE. Your Future, your happiness are the most important do whatever makes that happen and don’t back down.

Love, what to say about love. For myself it was a ride, not always wonderful, not always bad, but eventually I promise that ride comes to an end and you will end up with someone you truly love forever. But how you make ask do you know its real love….. Well you kinda don’t know until you are in that relationship. It’s a funny thing , because you can know in a split second when you don’t love someone, but it takes months even sometimes years to know if you do love them.

~*~*~*~~*~~> I don’t want to sound like I am preaching, because by no means did my life go peachy keen, but luckily I had wonderful family, and a good head on my shoulders, that I never got to0 far down a wrong path before I turned back myself or someone helped me out. The most helpful thing is learning from your mistakes. It seems like its a simple thing, but time and time again you will find yourself making the same mistake. Until you learn from such and move forward in a way that benefits you.

Life isn’t a set Path, it follows you. You have to set out a course for yourself. While the world moves along day by day, you create your own life, only you can make it want you want it to be, and ultimately only you can destroy it.

Hopefully something was learned in all this rambling, I might continue on more intimate and personal stuff on Part Two.

 

The Best of Times

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Is it Only Me?

The title of this blog is kind of  misleading, well maybe not. Anyway, lately I have been feeling good, trying to eat right, be a good wife and daughter etc. Then last night I don’t know what came over me, but I got suddenly depressed. Which by the way has been doing really well even since I got Roxie (my one yr. old chihuahua)

Actually yesterday was a fairly good day. Work went well. I had a productive and good workout with Margo, went to dinner at O’Charly’s. We then had to go look for jeans for Jamie went to meijer and jcpenney. He ended up buying a pair and a leather jacket, and I got a zip up sweatshirt thing for my friend tony’s birthday on Friday.  Anyway, usually shopping does make me down. Honestly even before I gained weight it got me down, but now it just does it more.

Well this has been tried to be written over a few days now and so I’m giving up on this post, if it doesn’t make sense it’s okay I dont care.